~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wedding Report

"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.

"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said,
'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things
really began to happen fast."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Real Estate Agent

A real estate agent had just closed his first deal, only to discover
that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

"That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his
boss. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get
out there and sell him a houseboat!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fast Driver

My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state
trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when
the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Epitaph Adjustment

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's
tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his
mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add 'Until We Meet Again.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Year's Dinner

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual
conflict of which was more important - the football games on
television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with
the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant
after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn
on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even
bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and
asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third
quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Football Signals

A three-year-old regularly watched football games with his father. So
much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.

On a recent Sunday, the three-year-old attended church with the
family. As the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the
child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rattlesnake Ammo

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods
to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced
an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one
magazine of live ammunition each to counter this danger, as several
men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that
the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot
at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of
rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a
shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish,
but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended
cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Great Guarantee!

A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.

Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Build It and They Will Come

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
VIP Impression

My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nutritious Eating

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parking Confusion

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking
spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly
in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are
you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head.
Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself,
his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms
upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to
make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've
known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot.
I'm waiting for my wife.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lullabye

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he
overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend
you're asleep, he stops."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Birthday Lawnmower

On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home
from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh,
Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I
was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should
wait until tomorrow!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

lol!

lol thanks Vepl. Nice way to start the morning.

Funny