AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.



Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for
over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without
the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly
steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the
only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is
that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how
safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a
little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be
transformed into what my husband likes to call "an
inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human
body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens
during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore,
you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure,
and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control
behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In
fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to
shove her boyfriend's balls into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her, that he thought E.R. and C.S.I. was written by drunken
chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which
brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened
an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f@cking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is
possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick
S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy"
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Vodka and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull
your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly
profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad busi ness elsewhere. And
though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one
minute miss your brand of condescending bull!!!!. And that's a promise
I will keep.
Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Hehehe

lol that is so true! The first time I saw that Have a Happy Period slogan, I wanted to break something. I knew only a guy would say something like that.

roflmao!!!!!!

So, what your saying is, I should stop telling my female friends to "Have a good week" just for the 25% chance that I say it during the wrong week?

hehe Dip, just don't go around saying Have a Happy Period.

The only girls I know who'd be happy they got a visit from aunt flo are those that have something to worry about.

Ha ha, good point, which makes me think of something for us guys to do to deal with the, uhh.... you know, how to word this correctly... the uhh..."times of discomfort"

*cringes and prepares to shield himself... hopes it all clear*

The guys can celebrate together in secret because they didn't get their women pregnant.

Ive had to say both those things...

Lol @ you all.

Is that what ya'll do in the garage while drinking beer with your buddies?
lol