“Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry

**Gnomy** · 8th October 2007, 02:32 AM

1.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3.
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

6.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

7.

Never lick a steak knife.

8.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14.

Your friends love you anyway.

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Brom · 8th October 2007, 02:39 AM

I lol'd

I can certainly identify with number 3

buddy lee · 8th October 2007, 06:09 PM

i like # 5

Tara · 8th October 2007, 07:05 PM

So true and very funny.

dhekke · 8th October 2007, 09:24 PM

13 is true

Crypt Keeper(CK) · 9th October 2007, 08:35 AM

Quote:

4.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Heh, my wife and I were just talking about that very thing before I came and checked the forums

**DiP** · 9th October 2007, 11:13 AM

50 years and that guy didn't learn too much

**kingtony** · 9th October 2007, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DiP

50 years and that guy didn't learn too much

LOL SO TRUE

dhekke · 9th October 2007, 02:23 PM

Yeah, but anyone who's ever been in a situation where he had to take laxative and sleeping pills has definitely gone through a lot.

And I bet that morning is one of his most vivid memories... the smell burns into your brain

8th October 2007, 02:32 AM	#1
Gnomy Forum Legend Join Date: Sep 2006 Shard: Snowbourn - LOTRO Posts: 2,501 Gold: 16,589 My Mood: Blog Entries: 2 Thanks: 45 Thanked 46 Times in 35 Posts	“Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.” 3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.” 4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 5. You should not confuse your career with your life. 6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. 7. Never lick a steak knife. 8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. 13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 14. Your friends love you anyway. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

8th October 2007, 02:39 AM	#2
Brom Introverted Barbarian Join Date: Nov 2006 Shard: Europa Posts: 300 Gold: 313 Thanks: 7 Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts	Re: “Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry I lol'd I can certainly identify with number 3 "Peace is not the absence of war. It is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence and justice." -Baruch Spinoza Last edited by Brom; 8th October 2007 at 02:42 AM..

8th October 2007, 06:09 PM	#3
buddy lee Agent Zero Join Date: Oct 2006 Shard: Atlantic Posts: 2,055 Gold: 17,753 Thanks: 24 Thanked 29 Times in 27 Posts	Re: “Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry i like # 5

8th October 2007, 07:05 PM	#4
Tara Join Date: Nov 2006 Shard: PAC Posts: 59 Gold: 203 Thanks: 6 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: “Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry So true and very funny.

8th October 2007, 09:24 PM	#5
dhekke I am the Gosso King! Join Date: Jun 2007 Shard: Chesapeake Posts: 181 Gold: 1,073 My Mood: Thanks: 11 Thanked 14 Times in 4 Posts	Re: “Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry 13 is true We are Ultima Online

9th October 2007, 11:13 AM	#7
DiP Ronin UOForums Bouncer Join Date: Jan 2006 Shard: Black Water Raiders, Azeroth Posts: 9,221 Gold: 21,224 My Mood: Thanks: 158 Thanked 113 Times in 92 Posts	Re: “Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry 50 years and that guy didn't learn too much Thanks again Maddux! Adri: women don't discuss men while in the bathroom, we sacrifice small animals and smoke tampons rolls eyes

9th October 2007, 02:23 PM	#9
dhekke I am the Gosso King! Join Date: Jun 2007 Shard: Chesapeake Posts: 181 Gold: 1,073 My Mood: Thanks: 11 Thanked 14 Times in 4 Posts	Re: “Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry Yeah, but anyone who's ever been in a situation where he had to take laxative and sleeping pills has definitely gone through a lot. And I bet that morning is one of his most vivid memories... the smell burns into your brain We are Ultima Online

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Learn to fly...	Gnomy	Jokes & Stuff	9	9th March 2008 09:48 PM
Dave and everyone	Gnomy	Jokes & Stuff	2	26th November 2007 04:27 PM
Taking Dave Kurlan Sales self-assessment, tips?	Baldguy	Off Topic General Discussion	0	20th November 2007 05:44 PM
It's Never Too Late To Learn!	Mercedes	Jokes & Stuff	0	4th April 2007 08:30 AM
I have a question about the fourteen day trial.	Avalyn	Ultima Online General Discussion	17	28th July 2006 02:36 AM