> Texas Chili Contest
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
> pay attention to the first two judges the reaction
> of the third judge is even better. For those of you
> who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
> They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
> Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
> of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park. The
> notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named
> Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
> a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
> called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
> be standing there at the judge's table asking for
> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
> came in. I was assured by the other two judges
> (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
> spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
> beer during the testing, so I accepted."
>
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is
> Judge #3)
>
> Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
> Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
> kick.
> Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge #3 (Frank) - Holy Moly what is in this stuff?
> You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
> Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
> that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
>
> Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
> Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
> jalapeno tang.
> Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
> to be taken seriously.
> Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children.
> I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
> pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
> more beer when they saw the look on my face. These
> hicks are out of their minds.
>
> Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
> Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Needs more beans.
> Judge #2 -A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
> of peppers.
> Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
> spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting
> Drano. Every one knows the routine by now. Get me
> more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
> back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
> chest. I'm getting frog-faced from all of the
> beer...
>
> Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic...
> Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing
> Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
> side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of
> a chili.
> Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my
> tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible
> to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb.
> woman is starting to look HOT, just like this
> nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
> Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
> impressive.
> Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more
> tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
> statement.
> Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
> my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
> farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
> The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
> her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
> tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
> from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
> off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
> asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
> Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
> Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
> Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
> onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe
> filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I messed
> myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.
> I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
> Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
> Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance
> on canned peppers.
> Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
> threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
> **I should take note that I am worried about Judge
> #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
> the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
> sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
> made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
> chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
> pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
> during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
> I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
> Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
> need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch
> hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
> Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
> chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
> existence.
> Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced
> chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
> of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
> fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> chili?

lol, too funny, so discriptive I can picture myself there.

Hey now, whys he gotta be from IL!! I am from IL and can handle chili as much as the people I knew when I lived in Texas!! hehe..

Shoulda made him from Canada......

ROFLMAO
That is the best thing I have read in a long time, the rest of my family think I am mad because I am just sat here laughing at my computer, Thank you for posting that, now I need to rest for a while my eyes dry and my stomach stops hurting.

LMAO!!!
Having been a judge at a chili cook off a few times, I can confirm the fact that some of that chili can be a bit spicy lol.

I love that one!

Lets not make him from Canada, some of us Canadians can handle our spicy foods. What do you think keeps us warm up here?
Should have made him from......New York!

I must say this is probably the cleanest thing I have seen him post in the way of humor in a long time.

Who? Me? Dirty jokes.... no, not me. He must me Minotaur2k and the New York reference.