Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at
6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I
arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse
after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky that early in the morning,
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my
shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room... She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that !!!!! Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps. And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the witch), will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a
root canal or a vasectomy.

I've read it before and still find it hilarious when reading again

It is a good read. Think I have seen it with the husband getting the wife the "gift". End result is the same

Vepl

Nearly spit on the monitor with the "Stair Monster" hehehe