These are actual instructions on various products
On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO
On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU
On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE
On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT
On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS
In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box)
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET
In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END
On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING
On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY DETAILS INSIDE (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP (And that would be how?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN (Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING (Are you sure? Let's experiment)
On a Korean kitchen knife -WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY (As opposed to use in outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE (Now I'm curious)
On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS (Really? And that's bad why?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS (I'm glad they cleared that up)
On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)