Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: placing a paw print
in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either,
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure
your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, bark or meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through
the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years,
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is: kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


Dogs and cats are better than kids............they eat less, don't
ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hangout with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear
your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college---and if they
get pregnant, you can sell the children!

Ha ha ha ha, that's great, now.... time to try to buy my kid back.

I love the note on the door part.. i think im going to make me one of those

Lol that was great. The "fur"niture part is so true...

My dog Jake is guilty of this!! Clearly to him, a king size bed means he's the king and it's all for him!!!

lol! It's so true

My cat actually rams at the door- what is it about shut doors that makes animals go so crazy?

lol
all too true!

Hehe, Im a gonna have to make me one of those signs for my door!

lol funny

I need to make one and post it on my front door for all those people who come to my house to sell things and complain about my animals.