Yes, I let Gak out of the double wide to run around with me on vacation. I know its a dangerous proposition, but I figured the worst that can happen is we get banned from Bob Evans nationwide. Well, that would be bad, Gak really likes Bob Evans. If that happened, there might be rioting and bugger tossing. Gak believes these both should be Olympic Events. I have seen Gak toss buggers for both distance and accuracy, gold would definitely be in his future. Rioting comes naturally to him, although he would come in second to anyone from Detroit. I think I shouldn't allow him to watch so much Olympic coverage.

I will break down day by day our adventures. I might even let Gak comment on the day's events.

Day 0: Packing. I had to remove warhammers and bows from the car, again. I have assured him that if we take these weapons with us, we won't have room if we find new ones along the way. He seemed good with that. I just hope we don't actually find any. I also had to clean up a ..umm..gift (I guess) that Gruul left on the console of the car. Because of this, I have ruled that Gruul has to stay home as well. Some of the places we will be staying, don't allow pets. I don't think anyone is going to buy Gruul as a 'seeing-eye llama'.

Day 1: Well the day started off with a minor problem. Dead Battery. No problem; just jump start it, right? Wrong. The battery was not just dead, it was bad too. The general(GM) in their infinite wisdom started with a battery and built the car around it. Ok, it wasn't that bad, but I did have to remove a body panel to replace the battery... with a $180 battery. I also need to find a battery hold down bracket as mine has disappeared. Gak says this is ebil humie mojo; I believe he is correct even if I can't prove it. Glad this happened at home and not in the middle of nowhere. Two and a half hours later, we are leaving the double wide, with the top off the car.

The lack of road construction through Missery made me uneasy. There were a few orange cones, but I suspect they might have escaped from the cone yard and were just loitering along the side of the highway. Eight hours later we arrived at Jacksonville, Illinois where we stayed for the night. Disaster struck a second time as I found out my laptop is now a boat anchor.

Day 2: Ate Breakfast at Steak and Shake. Gak was disappointed that there were no stakes, but he did leave with a collection of toothpicks, which is the best I could find for him. With a second day of beautiful weather, we left the top off the car again.

Road construction began as we entered Indiana. I believe IDOT's(Indiana Department of Transportation) idea of road construction is to transform all potholes into bumps. Brilliant!

We ate lunch outside of Indianapolis at While Castle. I introduced Gak to chicken rings. He thought they should be served on a stick. He didn't actually eat them, and I don't blame him.

Observations and suggestions: Don't tailgate with Gak in the car. His accuracy with buggers is uncanny, as the car behind us discovered. With the top on the car, he is accurate. With the top off, he is deadly.
Number two- Scions are ugly. Even uglier if they are lowered. Putting tires that are too small on rims that are too large, then adjusting the camber over 75 degrees so they fit under the wheel wells, only makes the ugliness worse. If this was you driving that Scion, it was me that was pointing and laughing at you. The money you think you save in gas, you are wasting in tires.

We are staying the night in Dayton, Ohio and visiting the Air Force Museum tomorrow.
So far we are averaging 27.9 mpg. I will be purchasing a new lap top tomorrow, I think.

Day 3: Ate Breakfast at Bob Evans. Spent all day at the Air Force Museum. The IMAX projector was broken down, so we didn't get to see any movies. Since Gak was in the area, I suspect the battery might be bad. Bad batteries seem to be a recurring theme. It must be Gak's magnetic personality. We did get to see the experimental Aircraft. I didn't they were going to allow Gak to go, but I showed them some screen shots of Gak with Winfield. After that, we got the red carpet treatment. Apparently, Winfield has some pull around the museum. Gak tried to load up one of the 37mm guns with explosion potions. When that didn't work, he tried a combination of buggers and a bag of dung, which he snuck into the museum. We spent a about an hour cleaning up the mess. I didn't realize how explosive Gak's snot was when mixed. Gak is sure there are vet rewards for Minuteman III missles and Parachutes. I fairly sure there isn't, but who knows.

I did end up buying a new computer. I also bought a new camera. I think the goat ate my old camera. If not, im sure the battery is bad in it- where ever it is.

We stayed the night in Dayton.

Day 4: Ate at Bob Evans again. Spent a few more hours at the Air Force Museum. You can spend a week there and not see everything. I recommend going there for everyone. I believe the museum will have the Enola Gay on display sometime soon. We will have to return to see that. We traveled to Cleveland tonight. *added- Gak also got to sit in the cockpit of an F-4. He pushed, pulled, and turned all the knobs that he could reach. He said he shot down at least six flying Ilidz. With all the sound effects he was making, I think he might have gotten a few more then that. The sound barrier was broken at least twice, but now that I think back on it, Gak might have just broken wind.

I'll try and load ICQ when I get a better connection. The wireless connection here is slighty worse then ingame help from a GM.

Tomorrow we will visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. John Duke gave Gak some flowers to place at Yoko Ono's shrine.

Day 5: Headed into Cleveland to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. We ate breakfast at Bob Evans. Gak likes Bob Evans, and when he is happy everyone is happy. Gak kept a peepir out incase the river in Cleveland caught on fire. Lake Erie seemed much to big to be set on fire, but I wouldn't underestimate Ohio or the City of Cleveland.

There were no cameras allowed in the Hall of Fame. No cameras means no pictures. No pictures means an unhappy Gak. In an effort to cheer himself up, he decided to take a few of the pictures on display home with him. Sorry Duke, security got us before we were able to escape with the John Lennon and Yoko Ono picture that you wanted us to get for you. We had secretly replaced the picture with the flowers you sent with us, I dont think anyone noticed right away. We would have gotten away, if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their dog. Next year, there might be a no dog policy, as Gak stepped in some suspicious goo.

On display were all sorts of musical instruments, costumes, programs, album covers, cars, and belly button lint from musicians back before the dawn of time. Well not the dawn of time, but many items dated back before the world was in color, which I believe was 1951. Gak destroyed the mask Micheal Jackson wore in the "Thriller" video. Im not sure how, but he was drinking a Pepsi when the hair on the mask mysteriously caught on fire. Acting quickly, I used Keith Richard's liver to put out the flames, but the liver exploded like Gak's buggers mixed with dung. Gak performed a dance to keep the flames in check, I only caught a glimpse, but I heard someone mention the moonwalk. We did get to sit in Elvis's Lincoln and honk the horn as a reward for our heroic efforts to contain fire and to keep the fire from spreading to the river. We didn't get any pictures or video because of the no camera policy, so you'll have to take Gak's word for it.

Why are the Mammas and the Pappas inducted but not KISS or Rush or Gordon Lightfoot? (For you Canadian's out there.) I guess the people, who decide who is inducted, don't like Canada. The Sex Pistol's were inducted and the Sex Pistols sent a letter to the Hall of Fame telling them to shove it where the sun don't shine. (The letter contained more NC-17 kinda of verbage). I bought a t-shirt, new guitar strap, and a few picks before we left.

After we deposited our loot into the car, we visited the U.S.S Cod near the Hall of Fame. Gak was reluctant to go until I told him what submarines do. I didnt think I was going to get him out. He tried for several hours to get a torpedo out of the hatch, but finally gave up. He did think about shooting it out the torpedo tube, but I reminded him someone might notice, just like the Lennon/Ono picture in the museum. We didn't see the dog, or the kids, but we weren't going to take any chances this time. Gak wanted to submerge the sub, but I dont know how, and there were no pictures on how to do it, thank goodness. Some museums give too much information to folks that don't need to know. The periscope and the deck gun also remained with the sub; we just didn't have that kinda room in the car.

We sped off and weaved through traffic like the rest of the maniacs. We stayed the night north of Pittsburg, PA.

Day 6: Travel day. Of course, we ate breakfast at Bob Evans. The road construction was fierce along the Penn Turnpike, but we valiantly fought our way through the cones and speed zones. For the next few days we will be at the car show in Carlisle. We have not decided if we will do the road course, dyno test, or the burn out contest. Gak believes these contests are anti-orkie. Gak hopes this year he can shoot buggers at targets during the autocross contest, if so that would make this event much more appealing to him.

Day 7 and 8: I bet we have walked over 20 miles in the past two days, most of it up hill. Gak is pissed because I wouldn't let Gruul come. Heck, I'm pissed that I didn't bring Gruul either. Friday we participated in a large American flag, the only time it has ever been done to anyone's knowledge. There was a picture taken from a helicopter. Im supposed to get a copy, but Im not sure when that will be.

We ate breakfast on the event grounds yesterday and today. This morning we got pulled over by the police. I guess Bob Evans got worried because we had not been in for two days and thought that something had happened to us, so he filed a missing persons report. Thank goodness we weren't caught cheating on Bob at Dennys or IHOP.

I did find a battery tie down block, this is the rarest part ever manufactured. We only found three after searching 2 square miles of swap-meet vendors. Gak traded two bags of dung for it. He can really wheel and deal. I did buy another top for my car. There were no warhammers or bows anywhere to be found. The rubber mallet we found just didn't have the same appeal; sharpening it didnt help either. Gak did locate a drum set, and had a blast playing wardrums for everyone. He had to stop when New Jersey complained about the noise.

There were lots of cars for sale. Lots of cars for sale for lots of money. Since I am not in the more-money-then-brains club, I couldn't afford to even look at them for more then a few seconds. Im not in the club because I lack brains, Im not in the club because I have no money. If I did have money, I would create a car that could outrun and pass everything except a gas station. There is a car being given away tomorrow. I am sure we won't win the car, but if we do, look out, Gak will have to drive it home.

We did not participate in the autocross, there is a rule about buggers flying out of the car. Who knew? No burn out contest, either. Tat did not supply us with tires like she promised. Well, she didn't promise tires, but she should have. Having a hurricane in your front yard is not a very good excuse for letting down Gak like that. Tat is still great, I dont care what Gak says about her.

Day 9: Spent the last day at Carlisle car show. We did not win the car, so you all can breathe easy now that Gak won't be driving home. We survived the mass exodus from the show and made our way to Lancaster, PA. The drive was exciting, and I have a renewed love for Pennsylvania. The speed limit 65 signs apparently are the slowest you should drive. If you drive slower then this limit, you will get run over and die. Upon arriving into Lancaster we came up on a lady driving 50 in a 55. I figure I'll read about some slow speed accident tomorrow in the paper. I won't say how fast we were going, but we arrived in Lancaster before we left Carlisle. Gak loved it; he was hanging his head out the window enjoying our "Gruul-like" speeds. Tomorrow we will go the the US mint to look at money we don't have. This should be fun and depressing at the same time.

On a sad note, there were no corn dogs to be found in Carlisle this year. Gak thinks there was a shortage of Ilid ears and Ruk Peepirs. I tried to coax Gak into trying a hot dog, but I guess they just arnt the same without a stick. He said, "Gak nub gruk wud en demz", which seems like a good reason not to eat them to me.

Day 10: We ate breakfast at the hotel. Restaurants are scarce in Lancaster. I guess Lancasterians(Lancasterites?) idea of eating out is a red hot bean burrito and a 44 ounce slurpy at the local stop and rob. I bet if you sold White Castle chicken rings on the corner you could rake in the cash. These people do like to eat healthy when they eat out.

We made our way to Philly to visit the US mint. On out way there, Gak witnessed some real humie mojo. PennDoT (Pennsylvania Department of Transportation) transformed Interstate 76 into a parking lot, right before our very peepirs!!! No smoke, no fishing lines, no mirrors, just miles and miles of parked cars. Truly a modern marvel, a sight to behold, a ninth or tenth wonder of the world. We were going the wrong direction, so we didnt get to participate in this event. Perhaps next time Gak can experience Pennsylvania's longest parking lot. I hope it doesn't cost too much money to park there.

Once we got to Philadelphia, our sense of adventure and a wrong turn took us across the Ben Franklin bridge into New Jersey. We quickly regrouped. Two Illegal U-turns, one cleared sidewalk, several stray bullets, and three dollars later we were back on our way to Pennsylvania. The city engineers attempted to use magic to hide all the parking garages, but Gak used his keen senses to finally locate one. We finally found a parking spot in the parking garage around 1,400 feet above sea level. We would have been able to see the ocean, possibly France too, from where we parked, if we weren't enveloped in a cloud of smog.

There were no cameras allowed in the Mint, but they did allow Gak. We took the tour, saw shinies of all shapes and colors, some old, some new. After perusing through they gift shop, we bought the only thing we could afford-a bag of pennies. They were new and shiny. Gak said they tasted good, I didn't try any, I wasn't very hungry.

We made our way to Constitutional Hall across the street. It was a very interesting place, but we were not able to spend much time there, since we wanted to see the Liberty Bell and get a good parking spot on I-76. They had life sized bronze statues of all the people, that wrote the Constitution, on display. Since we didn't have any money for souvenirs Gak checked all the statues for buggers. I never thought he would find one, until he checked Ben Franklin's nose! If I can get it from him, I will sell it on Ebay. We left to see the Liberty Bell. Gak said that if orcies would have made this bell it would not have a crack and it wouldn't be a 'liverdee belz', it would be a 'Waarg belz'.

Another wrong turn took us back into New Jersey, but this time we took the Walt Witman bridge back to Philadelphia. We didn't want to get shot at again like the last New Jersey detour we took. We also took US 30 out of town back to Lancaster. Gak says that humies shouldn't talk about the orc fort being messing after driving through some of the neighborhoods we went through. We made it out of Philly without anymore gun play. Gak reminded me that we should have at least brought the bow. We will pack differently next time we visit the New Jersey. Philadelphia is the City of Brotherly Love. Who would have thought the closest city to Philadelphia, Camden, New Jersey, which is across the Delaware river, uses the finger to say 'howdy'? I guess love doesn't have three bucks to make it back to Pennsylvania, so love doesn't go to Jersey.

We stayed the night in Lancaster, PA again.

Day 11: Ate breakfast at Bob Evans. He sure did miss us. We wandered down the road thirty minutes to York, Pa. At York we took the tour of the Harley Davidson assembly plant. Of course, cameras were not allowed, so I didn't get pictures of Gak not touching everything. It was the first time this has happened, so it was a historical event. Gak would never trade in Gruul for one of these mechanical llamas, but he could see why humies would want one of these when they couldn't have a Gruul to call their own. All we had was our bag of pennies...Well, we had half our bag of pennies because someone ate half of them... to spend at the gift shop. We took Nanoc's advice and told them that Nanoc sent us so we could get a good deal. We did get a good deal too- a single chrome valve stem cap. It was not painted with lead based chrome, thank goodness. Lead paint gives Gak gas. Gak traded a bag of dung for a guitar pick for me. He sure is thoughtful.

We spent the rest of the day traveling west, back toward home. We did stop at a Mcdonalds for something to drink. Everyone in the place had a scowl. The customers and employees gave Gak and I the 'ebil peepir'. Gak felt at home. We high-tailed it out of there before one of us was given a look that could kill, like the one that was given to the guy in front of us at the counter, right before he collapsed on the floor. The manager came over and kicked him out of the way. Virginia is for lovers, so I figured West Virgina was for haters. As we bravely ran away, I realized we were in Maryland. I could tell because we passed a sign that said "Welcome to West Virginia". Perplexed, I had Gak call Xotche to ask why Marylanders were like this.

Gak grabbed the cell phone and dialed Xotche's home phone number 1-900-MAK-UCRY(I hope she won't be mad I gave out her number)
Xotche: Wadda you want? (I knew she knew it was me from caller ID)
Me: Hi! We were at McDonalds in Maryland and everyone had a scowl and seemed pissed off at the worl..
Xotche: What's it to ya?
Me: We were wonderin' why evero...
Xotche: Mind your own business.
*Click*
She loves us. And to think that call cost $14.35, it was worth every penny. I wasnt crying either, I just had something in my eye.

We made it about 40 miles east of Columbus, Ohio before stopped for the night.

Day 12: Guess what? We ate breakfast at Bob Evans. It was conveniently located in front of the hotel. This was the only day that we encountered rain, but Gak wasn't scared. We spent most all the day driving. We did make a stop in Effingham, Illinois at a parts warehouse to see if they had a bolt for my battery hold-down bracket. I was wrong, the battery hold-down bracket is NOT the most rare part ever made.The bolt for the bracket is the most rare part. The warehouse has every other part for any car ever made BUT this bolt. I will have to get one the old fashioned way- steal it. err.. find a different bolt that will work.

We are staying the night outside of St.Louis.

Day 13: Ate breakfast at Steak and Shake. Gak was disappointed that this Steak and Shake was out of stakes as well. Travel day. Eight hours later we finally made it back to the double wide. Lots of City and State troopers out there. I guess they are preparing for this weekend. There were a several stretches of highway had very few vehicles other then semi trucks. Not much road construction, which made travel very nice. The goat did eat my camera, I wasn't going to see if the battery was bad. I'll just let some archeologist dig it up 400 years from now. Im sure he will think some genius who lived in a movable home lived here. Perhaps he will find that one car out in the yard too. I would probably find it if I mowed.

Ohh Gak made change too.

Total miles traveled: 2,947.2
Total gallons of gas used: 103.914
Miles per gallon: 28.36 - Car showed 28.1
Average Price of gas: $3.781 - Ranged from $3.999 to $3.599 per gallon.
Total bugs hit: 43,365
Number of pictures taken: 323 (down due to the 'No Camera' Policy of many of the places we visited)
Total times we ate at Bob Evans: 6


Gak will post something about the trip soon. Im sure most will be lies and gibberish, so pay no attention.

A PSA from me: The right lane is for slower vehicles. The left lane is for passing. After passing you get back into the right lane. You move over for vehicles stopped on the shoulder. This is not only common courtesy but the LAW in most all states. Except California, where passing isn't allowed because it might hurt some driver's feelings.

I would like to thank you all for following Gak's and my adventures this year. I hope you had as much fun as you could, by reading along, without being there. I cannot be held responsible for ruined keyboards from drinks shooting out anyone nose.

No animals were harmed in the making of this post.

I will now return you to your regularly scheduled Gak.

--Gak's handler and good friend.

I always enjoy your stories, but I was wondering, was the statement about the Scion a rhetorical question towards Ga'kuct? I happened to have seen this in the Orc Fort and was just curious.

*lol*

What's a chicken ring?

Good question. Im not sure what they are, Im not sure anyone does.

Here is what a six pack looks like. I think they might be looking back at you...

No, it wasn't. Do you think Gak would trade in Gruul for something like this? I would rather walk, or ride a bike with a banana seat, or walk a bike with a banana seat.

Neither the lambo-style front doors or the suicide back doors help that car. Will Gak need to get a GM to move that out of the orc fort? I bet it leaked all the fluid from the flux capacator all over the warbozz hut

Weird. *wanders off wondering what they do with the middles*

I found where the middle went!!



After Whitecastle revmoes the inner area mostly made up of Elf ears, Horse brains, Chicken Feet and Savage skin they ship it to 666 PaxLair lane, PaxLair city 54321. Att: Orcs



It helps little Orcs become big and strong!

Well that makes sense!

Where do you think chicken nuggets come from?

Donuts are to donut holes as chicken rings are to chicken nuggets. Think about it...

*didnt scroll down the gareth's post.

Stop. You're making me hungry.