When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your head, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in
your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest?? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately.

Wow you tell it like it is lol I hate public bathrooms they are always so dirty. Plus I have two little girls and when they have to go to those bathrooms I dread taking them there. Especially at amusement parks they seem to the worst oh no I take that back it's those gas rest stops GROSSS!!! Specially on the way to Florida OH MY WORD are they filthy.

Yeah Public restrooms suck... though I am fortinate to not have to many problems with the "filthy" ones most of the ones i been are very clean and well kept... it is them rest stops is when I start running into filth

As for toliet paper... I am strange... I carry a roll where ever I go... mostly because I sneeze ALOT so I always need some tissue for my stupid nose so oftely luck out on toliet paper...

but I defintally can relate some of them restrooms I just can not believe how bad they are...

-RMS Carpathia-

You and me both girl!! I feel like showering after leaving a public rest room, something about the whole idea makes me feel dirty. I agree they are all mostly filthy and the last thing you want is taking a child in there touching everything.

rofl
agree with all of the above!

Guess I like the fact that any handy tree or bush works for me. And in a pinch, the tires on the truck could always use a watering. Between the duals is another good place.. Or alongside the barn... I guess I made my point... hehe

Exactly, plus depending on where you are you can get a decent view. And besides, if your ever pressed, a nice gatorade bottle will do the trick.

In the bldg my Biology Class is in, the bathroom is from the 70's! You have to walk clear pass everyone to grab a paper toilet paper thingy that is just thrown into something that looks like it should hold a clip board for some one cleaning the bathroom. The doors never lock right, you have to lift the door up slightly with your foot to lock it and then..... the toilet water is always slightly brown. The first day I was in that bathroom I was mumbling under my breath why NO ONE CAN FLUSH THE TOLIET!!! but quickly found out its filled from water from some swamp or something equally as gross!

You know Dip and Ralcor, I presonally wish I could just go like you do it would make my life so much easier at times lol

hahahah.